Subscribe – Entrusted with grace

Entrusted with grace

HOME
About
Subscribe

HOME
About
Subscribe

Sign up to receive an email
when I post something new!

Name *

First

Last

Email *

Spread the love

jesselaine.jolley

Grief is so strange. It grips every fragment of yo

Grief is so strange. It grips every fragment of your body and squeezes the breath out of you, until you’re too dizzy to see straight or put two clear thoughts together. Then somehow the next second you find yourself temporarily forgetting, catching yourself smiling at something someone said, until the cloud of grief comes storming back in and taints all the color with a darkness too heavy to shake.

It pierces your soul and drains your gut like a balloon deflating from a sharp stab. And then it comes back for more, to prod you over and over and over.

You may try to run. To numb. To distract, even for a second.

But the grief is still there. I think it always will be, though it ebbs and flows and perhaps lessens a bit over time. So they say.

And yet, our Lord stands with you in it all. Saying, ‘My precious daughter, my dear son, I am close to your broken heart.
Rest your tired head on my shoulder.
Cry into my chest.
Come to me you who are weary, and I will give you rest.
Let me hold you and weep with you through every heart-wrenching moment.
When you feel you can’t breathe, or get out of bed, or fake one more smile or pleasantry.
When you have the unanswerable questions as your constant companions—why us? What is the purpose of this tragedy? Am I just a pawn in this expansive, universal game?

He says: I am your good Shepherd. I love you. This wasn’t my original design. My child, it won’t always be this way…

But while it still is, the seemingly unendurable pain during this ‘not yet’ side of heaven, he bids you come, especially when you don’t want to. For there will be no true soul rest for your punctured heart anywhere else apart from his comforting arms.

We love you and miss you deeply, Eric. You were more than a teammate—you were like a brother. Thank you for living a life abandoned fully to the purposes and joy of Christ.

Our hearts break alongside any of you who have tasted this bitter pain of loss. All we can do is point you and ourselves to the One who sees and wants to be near.

A decade is worthy of a double post in my book. As

A decade is worthy of a double post in my book. As you said in your note today—you’re the Jim to my Pam. The Chris Traeger to my Ann Perkins. I love you. And I still really, really like you

That kind of love comes from a whole lot of the Lord’s grace alongside a fight for each other every day. Thank you for continuing to choose me, especially when it’s not easy

I truly do love you more with each passing year ❤️
(also, swipe for some major throwbacks 🤭)

✨10 years✨ And I somehow love you immeasurabl

✨10 years✨

And I somehow love you immeasurably more now

The Kenyan people are pushing back against the gov

The Kenyan people are pushing back against the government corruption that has plagued the country for far too long, and it’s been no easy road this week for those protesting, including countless of our dear friends.
•
This was my sweet girl’s prayer for Kenya last night: “God, will you keep everyone safe tomorrow. Will you help the ‘resident (momma, what’s his name?)… President Ruto…not change his mind about (momma, what’s it called again?)… the Financial Bill? Help there be peace. You love everyone in Kenya. In Jesus’ name, aaaaamen.”
•
🇰🇪 She then, unprompted, asked me to paint her nails in Kenyan colors because she wanted to stand with our country in the best way she knew how.
•
Before you’re tempted to compare your kid or your season or whatever it might be, let me also share that I had one heck of a hard day with this precious soul. There’s so many more complexities to people’s lives than these squares let on. But I’m posting this here as a reminder to myself that
1- Our kids are listening. They’re soaking it all in. May we cultivate safe places to talk about the good, bad, and everything in between. And to then create habits of bringing it all to the Lord together.
2- They, and we, are not defined by our worst moments. We all need grace. And I want to be the one cheering on these tender moments I see in my daughter over hyper-fixating on the emotional meltdowns we’ve been drowning in.

I want to believe in and call out the best in her (oh Lord, I so desperately need your help in this!).

Like Jesus does with me.
•
So yes, God. Let there be peace and justice in Kenya. Let us fight for and believe in the good and the beauty of whatever, and whoever, we encounter today. May your kingdom come here on earth through one peaceful protest, one sensitive little girl, and one intentional nail color at a time. *even when turquoise is the closest green you’ve got*

It’s officially rainy season in 🇰🇪 😬😅 Luckily this is our office on our compound and not our house! 💦💧🌊

The privilege is not lost on me Merely for the lig

The privilege is not lost on me
Merely for the lightness of my skin; The ease of my passport; The accessibility of my language; The gift of a family, whole
The me, a minority in this foreign land
A minority here that is but wished upon rather than judgmentally whispered about

It's not lost on the me who has seen where privilege is so lacking
Where tired feet walk
And poverty encompasses
The ones whose governments, circumstances, or philosophies show their hand of unreliability
Proving their darkened, hopeless thoughts—
‘You see? No one to count on but yourself. Find your own way.’

This is not all there is! my heart longs to scream
There is more than this hopelessness you too often feel
More than empty plates, empty hopes, empty religions
Or the magnitude of emotions felt down somewhere deep, from hurts and brokenness imposed by circumstances of no fault of their own

But all they see are my rosy, white cheeks resting easy atop plush pillows
A life so different from their own
'She doesn't understand,' they surely must think
And they're right
How could I?
*
But then enters a different privilege...

(Continued on Substack post. See link in bio)

FOUR. You teach me that time is fleeting, wildly

FOUR.

You teach me that time is fleeting, wildly unfurling as days stretch on and stretch me with them. A continuous, needed undoing of what I thought life should look like into all that it actually could be.

You teach me to pause — Come play with me. Come build train tracks. Come look at this, mommy. Come be with me.

You teach me to enjoy life, to wake up ready, to see creation and really notice.

You love and live big, keeping us always on our toes in both exhaustion and joy. You are light, fun, adventure, curiosity, cuddles.

I love you more than you know, my sweet boy. Happy birthday, once again one week later 🤪

There are blessings everywhere, if we but have the

Celebrating people’s big life moments is an impo

Celebrating people’s big life moments is an important value to our family, so we came Stateside yet again this year to be present for our teammates getting hitched. And of course we threw in all sorts of craziness before and after (I mean, we took over 100,000 steps and walked almost 50 miles in one single week. Disney is no joke, y’all!), but we wouldn’t trade any of it for the world. Not even the heart-wrenching goodbye parts.

To be honest, missionaries don’t often share about their times of fun for fear of others’ perceptions, opinions, and all sorts of other unfortunate but true-to-reality reasons. So a video of our week at Disney World is a bit risky! But I just can’t help myself—it was a gift far too magical to not forever have on this little space 🥰🥹💥

I don’t say this for pity, but serving cross-culturally—the constant goodbyes, the pitiful sobs from my 5-year-old as we give one last hug to her grandparents at the airport, myself silently wiping away my own tears, the wanting to be in two different worlds at once (my dream of a superpower will always be teleportation 🦸🏼‍♀️), the never fully belonging anywhere anymore, the navigating customs different from our own—it can often wear on us. Even just this week I’m missing my Aunt TJ’s funeral and not being there for my family. We will continue to give the Lord our yes for as long as he has us here, but our yes in no way makes life easy. Jesus simply makes all the hard worth it.

So we cherish months like this of actual, physical hugs and conversations apart from broken-up FaceTime calls even more deeply because we recognize they’re such a rarity… even if our hearts rip wide open after it’s over and we get on long flights back across the ocean.

But now, it’s good to be back in our nyumbani. Our home.

Hard, but still good ❤️🇰🇪

💫 Stealing back the already -as we await the n

💫 Stealing back the already
-as we await the not yet-

I want to steal the time
To take a breath and take it all in
This gift of a life
That I get to live

Otherwise it seems
Time will keep passing
Hurriedly crashing by, soundless
Day by day, without a warning that it has come and gone, already
Where I've been too distracted to even notice
The beauty, or at least flickers, of the earth's Creator in each moment

Let me slow down, stop right here and—
⠀⠀⠀Steal a kiss
⠀⠀⠀Steal a smile
⠀⠀⠀Steal a minute
Before it all slips through my busied fingers

Though Christ has the ultimate victory,
There is an enemy lurking
A deceitful beckoning into the less thans

But we point to the manger, the tree, the empty tomb, the identity in which we now hold
For our Savior entered the broken world
And allowed the breaking of his own body
So that we can now enter and take back
What is his... and ours... in him alone
A king who let himself die for humanity that groans deep for this knowledge
this love

This life filled with a giving and taking away
Can I all but yet say:
I will find my joy in him alone
While awaiting his perfected, never-ending eternity
Where our joy will be made complete

And though Hope lies ultimately there
It steals back time here, too
If we but steal the moments to notice
Where that Hope is at work

I could linger at what is not
Stuck in the hurt, the mayhem, the sharp stings of a world tainted
Or I could ask for eyes open to his redeeming fingerprints
Grieving where he grieves
But still also stepping into the trodden dust of life
Leaving a glimmer of his heart in it all
For he who is in us is greater than
he who is in the world

So I join with my humbled Lord come down
In partnership of his 'on earth as it is in heaven'
Where the
⠀⠀⠀stealing of a kiss
⠀⠀⠀stealing of a smile
⠀⠀⠀stealing of a minute
Is stealing back the truth of our Father's goodness
And infusing it into this glorious and messy earthside season
Until the perfected time to come
Where we will spend an eternal forever
With perfection himself
//

Subscribe to my Substack Entrusted With Grace to read the full post & other similar musings ❤️ Link in bio

Sometimes I... ...correct with strained patience

Sometimes I...

...correct with strained patience, over and over
But sibling screams reverberate through the house and I
‘Hold it in, hold it in, hold it—‘
Explosives release from my mouth,
Spewing over my fellow sinful but precious image bearers

...wrap my boxing gloves tight
Ready to deal my other half his next verbal blow
In this unfruitful attempt to be—understood? right? justified for my selfishness?
‘But you never...’ I claim
I forget all the good and focus only on his imperfect humanity
Criticisms flowing with every new, stinging punch toward the one I cherish most in the world
…
**

But also, sometimes I...

...lay down my to-do list, steeling myself to the moment with my family
Belly laughter echoes through the hall as we “settle down” for the evening
My husband shoots me a quick glance
His impish grin clearly exposing his joy at their chaotic cackles
The ‘nuisance’ to my desired peaceful routine dissipates at all three of their beaming faces

...pick up actual pages that evening
Over reaching for the remote
I dig deeper into what will draw me deeper into him
Rallying my heart and mind and realize—
I had more in me after this long day than I thought
…

Sufficient grace in all of the changes made, good and bad—when I set myself up for greater ‘success’ and also when I gave in to what was easier. My standing with Him never once changed. Never severed. For I am His.
…
**
(Some thoughts on these kinds of little changes, striving, and God’s grace. Read the rest on my substack. Link in bio 🥰)

It's been a bit since my last Substack post thanks

It's been a bit since my last Substack post thanks to some difficult adoption findings this month, and I accidentally sent the email before working out the formatting kinks (it's fine, it's fine, it's fine... haha), but you can read my latest piece in the app ❤️ Link in bio.

Load More Follow on Instagram

© 2024 Entrusted with grace

Ashe Theme by WP Royal.